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I spread the rug on a flat area and lay myself down.

It’s hot. A bit too hot, I’d say.

One must enjoy it, while it still lasts.

So now I’m enjoying myself. There’s a Bluetooth speaker, there’s a jug of white wine spritzer, there are scarfs and hats and a crossword magazine and sun lotion.

 

I enjoy.

Because  everyday life is so unbearably ponderous. Too much responsibility, too many questions for which I should have an answer. When I was a child, my dearest wish was to become an adult, so I could decide myself, when and in which order I would eat, what time I would come home and overall the things I’d do.

But then I grew up and found out that the freedom I had yearned for, turned out to be a huge burden that I can’t always bear.

When I can’t find a solution to a problem, I try learning from my parents’ example. I make the same choices as they’ve made, just to realize, I haven’t solved anything, only drawn a circle to the sand. But the cabin is the last fort of my childhood. Here I’m an adult and a child at the same time, and it lightens my burden, for a moment.

I just am and I enjoy. I am and enjoy –

as in a dream.

 

I don’t know if it’s the white wine spritzer, or the sun, or whatnot, but it’s as if a telescope or a giant lens would stick out from somewhere, showing me as different in relation to the world around me.

 

I merge.

The lawn that once was long and furry is now short, brown and sunburned. And the maiden pinks, I didn’t have the heart to mow, can barely manage. And I feel that I understand them. 

I merge into one.

The environment, that I’ve tried so hard to shape and control, becomes uncontrollable, for I don’t have to control, nor could I, even if I wanted to. That, what I used to call everyday, is now indifferent. There is birth, there is death and between them, life.

And like the maiden pink waits for the sun to lay down, I wait.

Awareness that makes me a human, disappears. I’m cells, I’m currents, electricity and impulses, water and chemical compounds.

Me and the other, the frightening and strange, no longer exist. What is left is only one whole. And there, in all its simplicity, I see what I thought was so complicated and absurd, impossible and painful. It stands before me like a light, poking holes in the void so that I can finally breathe.

It’s here, in the reach of my hand.

 

Can you see, right in the reach of our hands