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I spread the rug on a flat area and lay myself down.

It’s hot. A bit too hot, I’d say.

One must enjoy it, while it still lasts.

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So now I’m enjoying myself. There’s a Bluetooth speaker, there’s a jug of white wine spritzer, there are scarfs and hats and a crossword magazine and sun lotion.

 

I enjoy.

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Because  everyday life is so unbearably ponderous. Too much responsibility, too many questions for which I should have an answer. When I was a child, my dearest wish was to become an adult, so I could decide myself, when and in which order I would eat, what time I would come home and overall the things I’d do.

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But then I grew up and found out that the freedom I had yearned for, turned out to be a huge burden that I can’t always bear.

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When I can’t find a solution to a problem, I try learning from my parents’ example. I make the same choices as they’ve made, just to realize, I haven’t solved anything, only drawn a circle to the sand. But the cabin is the last fort of my childhood. Here I’m an adult and a child at the same time, and it lightens my burden, for a moment.

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I just am and I enjoy. I am and enjoy –

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as in a dream.

 

I don’t know if it’s the white wine spritzer, or the sun, or whatnot, but it’s as if a telescope or a giant lens would stick out from somewhere, showing me as different in relation to the world around me.

 

I merge.

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The lawn that once was long and furry is now short, brown and sunburned. And the maiden pinks, I didn’t have the heart to mow, can barely manage. And I feel that I understand them. 

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I merge into one.

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The environment, that I’ve tried so hard to shape and control, becomes uncontrollable, for I don’t have to control, nor could I, even if I wanted to. That, what I used to call everyday, is now indifferent. There is birth, there is death and between them, life.

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And like the maiden pink waits for the sun to lay down, I wait.

Awareness that makes me a human, disappears. I’m cells, I’m currents, electricity and impulses, water and chemical compounds.

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Me and the other, the frightening and strange, no longer exist. What is left is only one whole. And there, in all its simplicity, I see what I thought was so complicated and absurd, impossible and painful. It stands before me like a light, poking holes into the void so that I can finally breathe.

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It’s here, in the reach of my hand.

 

Can you see, right in the reach of our hands